I will die if light touches me.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
