i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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