HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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