At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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