Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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