Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
