Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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