just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
