if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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