he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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