Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
