I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
