I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
