i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
