cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
