Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize