He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize