i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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