I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
