As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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