No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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