ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
