This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
