I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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