I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
