i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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