just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
