my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
