nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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