I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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