He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
