unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
