Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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