Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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