Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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