I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
