I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
