Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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