ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
