I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
