Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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