I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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