I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I am mentally ready for anal.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
