forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
