When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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