I think I died a long time ago.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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