half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
