i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
