Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
