She is in my trunk
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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