I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
