Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
