She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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