I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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