I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
