'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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