I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
