Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And then he peed in my hair
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