i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I need water and some morals
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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