the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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