I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
