You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
