There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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