He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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