just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
