happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
